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Pharmacy Links

AFTER CANCER: FEELINGS. SURFACING EMOTIONS

12th March 2009

What If Old Emotionally Charged Problems Unrelated to My Cancer Have Resurfaced?

Completion of cancer therapy is an emotional time, with anxiety, sadness, anger, and other emotions all stirred up. This setting of high emotions often triggers recall of past events or problems that elicited similar emotions that were never well resolved.

You may not have adequately grieved the premature loss of a parent or sibling. After completion of your cancer therapy, as you deal with grief over loss of a body part or loss of a job, you may re-experience a deep sense of loss of your parent or sibling.

Many problems and issues that were important before your diagnosis became dwarfed by the immediacy of your cancer and its treatment. Since the problems were not resolved, but rather forced into the background, they can reappear after treatment. These problems can be even more complicated and pressing after cancer because of the changes in your life. If before you had cancer you and your spouse argued about the amount of time and money you spent on leisure activities, or about the division of labor at home, these arguments can resurface with an added edge of urgency.

Problems pop up periodically for everyone, even in families that are not dealing with cancer or other crisis. Resist the temptation to blame every bad and unpleasant thing, every change and adjustment, on your cancer. Instead of using your cancer as a focus of blame, you should use it as a reminder that you can get through hard times.

Your cancer experience is not responsible for everything difficult or unpleasant that arises after cancer. Normal life involves good and bad times, easy and hard times, tense and relaxed times, happy and sad times.

What Can I Do If Emotions Are Surfacing in Regard to Past Issues?

See your unwanted cancer experience as an opportunity to put closure on lingering or reappearing unresolved issues. Your survival of cancer can show you that, with proper help and guidance, you now have the tools and strength to deal with these old issues.

Emotions do not go away by themselves. They go away when the problems that precipitated them are resolved or coped with in a healthy way. If you try to ignore or deny your emotions or the causative issues, they will continue to affect you in negative ways. In the long run it takes less physical and emotional energy to resolve than to deny problem emotions and issues.

One couple was very stressed by the wife’s loss of employment. The husband felt that she could be doing more to find an acceptable job. The two were reaching a point of confrontation when she developed cancer. The job issue became a nonissue. After completion of treatments the job issue resurfaced with a vengeance. The money concerns were obvious. The husband genuinely wanted to do what was right for his wife’s recovery, but did not want to allow her to use her recent illness as an excuse for continuing the posture she had assumed before. A difficult issue became complicated by the overlay of the illness.

This couple’s problem predated the cancer. With guidance, the cancer history will not prevent the couple from dealing with this fundamental problem. Their approach to the problem and the possible solutions will be affected by the cancer experience. You can offset added difficulties by the insights and strengths you have acquired through surviving.

Strong emotions can signal unresolved problems or issues.

Do I Have to Deal with These Old Issues Now?

You do not have to deal with every problem at once, whether you have had cancer or not. You have to use judgment about which problems you can afford to postpone and which you can solve more easily with a little bit of distance. If your tax papers are out of order and you do not want to deal with them, but you will pay a heavy fine if you miss a filing date, the chore is probably worth getting done. If you have had strained relations with a relative who is moving far away or is terminally ill, and you think that you would like to mend things, now is the time. If you cannot decide what you want to major in at college, or you are thinking of changing careers, you can decide not to decide for a while. The longer you delay dealing with a problem,

• the longer you will feel the negative effects

• the more energy you will be using to deal with the emotions and avoid dealing with the

precipitating issue

• the greater the chance these old issues will have for creating new problems

Sometimes the intensity of your emotions in response to cancer-related issues is heightened by emotions about old issues that are being attributed to the cancer. Recognizing this will help you deal with the real issues and will make the cancer-related emotions much more manageable.